help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm getting married
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought