I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.