Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off