Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
