apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
