My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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