does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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