Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
