i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
