grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
