saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
