Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
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Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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