for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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