I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
