I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
