why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
