Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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