im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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