Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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