This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
