When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
