My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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