You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
