Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
