a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
