how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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