We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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