I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
