Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
