You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
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you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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