Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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