Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
