im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
