walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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