Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..