Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
