Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
PANTIES FOUND
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
