I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
