dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
