She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You are the jesus of drinking
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
