What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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