So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
