Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
