she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
