I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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