Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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