The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
