Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
