We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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