Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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