We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
