I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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