So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
