remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
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As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
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Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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