I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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