rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
