So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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