It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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